Twisted tales - Tatiana Bazhan

Doctor’s Grocery List

Bartholomew “Barty” Bingley, a man so vibrantly healthy he practically glowed with it, strolled into St. Elsewhere's Hospital for a routine check-up. He felt like a million bucks, or perhaps a slightly crumpled ten-dollar bill – still legal tender, but with a touch of character. Dr. Silas P. Quilling, a man whose stethoscope seemed perpetually colder than his temperament, examined Barty with the enthusiasm of a tax auditor. After a series of prods and pokes, Dr. Quilling's face adopted the grave expression one usually reserves for discussing the extinction of the dodo. “Mr. Bingley,” he intoned, his voice a mournful baritone, “I'm afraid we've found something… interesting.”

“Interesting” turned out to be a newly-minted ailment called “Quilling's Quadrant Conundrum,” a disease so rare, Dr. Quilling was fairly certain he'd just invented it. He prescribed a regiment of elderberry enemas, lavender lozenges, and a daily dose of interpretive dance therapy to “harmonize the afflicted quadrant.” Barty, initially bewildered, figured the doctor knew best. After a week of this bizarre regimen, Barty felt less like a spring chicken and more like a plucked turkey, simmering gently in a pot of existential dread. The interpretive dance, in particular, had attracted the attention of his neighbour, Agnes, who now believed Barty was auditioning for a mime troupe.

The diagnosis then took a darker turn. “It appears, Mr. Bingley,” Dr. Quilling announced with a theatrical sigh, “that the Conundrum has… evolved. We're now looking at a rather aggressive case of… Thyroid Tango.” Barty, now thoroughly convinced he was trapped in a medical sitcom, was scheduled for immediate surgery – a thyroidectomy, no less. On the eve of the operation, a young, bright-eyed intern, fresh out of medical school and overflowing with textbook knowledge, stumbled upon Barty's chart. He blinked. He squinted. He pulled out a magnifying glass. “Dr. Quilling,” he stammered, “I… I don't understand. Mr. Bingley's thyroid is perfectly healthy! All his results are normal!”

It turned out, in a twist worthy of the Bard himself, that Dr. Quilling had been using Barty's chart to scribble down his grocery list, and the “interesting” find had been nothing more than a reminder to buy artichokes. Barty, liberated from his impending Tango-ectomy, left St. Elsewhere's a wiser, if slightly more suspicious, man, forever wary of doctors and the seductive allure of exotic vegetables. The moral of the story? Sometimes, the only thing ailing you is the overactive imagination of your physician. And perhaps, the need for a clearer grocery list.

Barnaby Buttercup, a man whose name was tragically ironic considering his personality was more akin to week-old cabbage, was in a pickle. A very large, very vinegary pickle involving a misplaced lottery ticket worth enough to buy a small Caribbean island (populated only by highly trained monkeys, naturally). His supposed best friend, Archibald “Archie” Higgins, a fellow whose grin could melt glaciers and whose back was always available for a hearty, albeit slightly too enthusiastic, slap, was, naturally, right there beside him. Archie, you see, was the kind of friend who'd swear he’d lend you his own kidneys if you needed them, a sentiment generally expressed while simultaneously borrowing fifty bucks you'd never see again.

Barnaby, sweat plastering his already sparse comb-over to his scalp, wrung his hands. “Archie, old boy, I'm ruined! The ticket! Gone! Vanished like a politician's promise after election day!"

Archie, displaying the concern of a seasoned Shakespearean actor portraying profound grief, clapped Barnaby on the shoulder hard enough to dislocate something. “Barnaby, my dear, distraught friend! Despair not! We shall find it! We're thicker than thieves, you and I! More like conjoined twins, separated at birth but spiritually connected by our shared love of… well, whatever it is we share a love of!”